Struggling at work. Akathisia is pretty bad.



Fuck, I can’t orgasm because of my SSRI, Lexapro, but I still am attracted to hot boobs and ass and female crotch, so it’s this endless temptation of looking at pics online without any end. Because usually once I splurge I’ve had enough of the eye candy. But as-is it just never ends. Ugh. What a waste of time.

You’re all to blame.

hahahahah I’m so funny


Yes, I suppose now is a good time to come out of the closet–I’m an avid lover of cows

All I can do is look at my version of porn (completely clothed women in tight jeans that show the shape of their asses, some cameltoe, bikini girls–no nudity or sex, much cleaner), and getting off is worthwhile but now I can’t probably because of my SSRI or just I’m not in the mood but definitely because of the SSRI. SS refractive index–my favorite cruiseliner.

What else wa–just clipped my nails. A wrinkle in time. Because it was getting annoying typing with long nails.


Nothing matters. Why would it matter whether I remember something or not. Who cares.

All I can do is look at porn and not get off because of my SSRI (worthwhile but never enough), or watch pros play chess or play chess (I’m not a pro–far from it) (waste of time). Porn = worthwhile, but not enough; chess = waste of time.

I should be working on our computer game. I have a lot of blending in Gimp to do.

If you don’t know what something means, look it up.

Why do I even write in here. No one cares about me. It’s for me, only, and I don’t care. What kind of joke is this.

Had four beers, because I like drinking beer, I don’t care about getting drunk. I need to drink less. But I also can’t rely on kratom. I don’t want to manually make coffee at home–that’s why I go to work; free, automatically prepared coffee. I bring 5.5 teaspoons of kratom to work with me. We’re done with labwork for a while so now I have to author an SOP (standard operating procedure, a document delineating a standard protocol, for pasting into notebooks and stuff).

I love notebooks. At work. I’m a scientist. Scientists keep notebooks. Is that never brought up? I feel like it isn’t. It’s a core part of science–the notebook. We use ELN. I’ll leave it up to you to guess what that means.

Family went out without me because I was having an episode and I wanted to stay home. It’s over now. I need more beer or coffee. So of course I’ll just drink kratom. Poor man’s opiate.

What I wouldn’t give for a nice pill of percocet. Oh god, so clean, so high. I love opiates, when you don’t have a tolerance to them. My favorite substance.

Is writing about substances a form of self-incrimination? I’m an idiot.

You all don’t care about me. I don’t matter. You don’t matter. You’re all idiotos. We’re all dumbfucks. Go home if you have one. Stay at a hotel every once in a while. Innawhile. The waycation for the band saw. Strum dee strum dee strum.